Ashamed of Happiness

I'm not even sure if "ashamed" is the right word. I started with "guilt", but that didn't feel right either. "Embarrassed"? Could be. It's another one of those times that ineffable fills in the blank for me.

I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy. That is the focus of every morning to start my day. I want to start my day motivated by strength to align with happiness. However, when I wake up hurting worse than I did when you went to sleep, it is hard to find that calm and peaceful awakening. It is hard to put on a smile. It is hard to walk to the bathroom. Brushing my teeth actually hurts my shoulder. You wouldn't even think that is something that could be possible, but let me tell you it is very, very possible. And it is a very significant pain.

Anyway, moving past how struggling it can be to find those energizing and truly cheerful days, when they happen, they are pure gold. Now here is where the annoying part of the day comes into play. Maybe I am at my kids' game and I was able to bring snacks or set up team lunch because I was rockin' and rollin'. I will 99% of the time run into someone I haven't seen in a while. They look at me and they are like - hey, you must be all better now, just look at you!

You would think that should make me happy, but it doesn't. When a close friend can see I am having a good day and acknowledges it, I feel loved. I feel understood. When it's anyone else, it's like "crap, now you think I am all better and you're going to tell these other people I'm all better and they are going to think I'm faking my disability".... and so the spiral continues. Just like posting this fun picture of my 40th birthday cruise I went on with my two best friends. I had so much fun! But I was afraid people would think I looked too happy or something because I'm supposed to be sick. I know. This doesn't even make sense. I know that.

I also know I am not the only one with an invisible disease that feels like this. There are tons of us. We go out because it's a good day or a fun day/weekend/week planned. Then, we're holed up in bed or in the hospital for days later to recover.

If someone were to come to me with this exact complaint, I would tell them to not give a crap what other people think. It's just not realistic for all people to be able to just brush it off. My invisible diseases include anxiety and depression, which only emphasize other people's opinions of myself.

It is truly unbelievable how someone makes their own opinion so quickly, instead of asking. You look good = you must be healed. No, I'm just having a good day or a good moment.

My advice for people with these same feelings is to really rely on your tribe of people. If you are having a good day, stick with your close friends, don't push yourself to go beyond that group, unless you need to. IAnd most importantly, lean into your happiness. If you are having a great day, you don't need to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. If you are having a good day, and it allows you to sit in a chair you miss or use your hands to do a puzzle or crochet, do it. If it allows you to get an actual, restful nap. Oh, please do that!