Brain Power

I don't have too many irrational fears. I don't like bugs, but if it comes down to it, I handle it. As a teen, when I was asked what my greatest fear was, it was to become stupid. I didn't mean it in such a way that is black and white. I didn't mean it in a way to compare my intelligence to anyone else. I meant it in a way that I don't want to lose my brain.

I have a partial photographic memory, which helped me tremendously in school. I remember as a young kid, I thought I was cheating on tests, because we were supposed to remember the answers on our own and I was reading the portions of text in my brain straight from the source.

My brain can also locate errors in spelling, formatting, and basic grammar, even when just flipping through a stack of papers to file away. And when I learned that all other brains don't work like mine, I realized how hard some students had to work to keep their grades high and I admired them.

My closest friends and husband might tell you that my brain doesn't always have the street smarts or common sense as much as some other people. I've heard the phrase "common sense just ain't so common" in my direction more times than I can remember. We are all wired differently and it's beautiful.

And trust me, my brain has a lot of flaws and imperfect ideas just as much as the next person, but I never wanted to lose me.

Now here is what I don't like to bring up. Here I am going to get vulnerable with you. Here is my teenage fear being realized.

Image from WebMD

After my episode of bacterial meningitis, I started noticing some thing that were just off. The daily headache is a reminder of that time. I also cannot read words in order any more. As ai read them my eyes jump ahead two or three sentences ahead and then back again. It makes reading extraordinarily difficult. I had started Moby Dick before surgeries. I would even read passages to my husband and my son because they were just so beautiful. I have recently tried to pick it up and it took me 12 minutes to understand one sentence.

I also have a hard time saying very easy words. I can see them in my brain, but I cannot say them out loud. But, thankfully, I can usually write them. The first words I struggled with were: hopped, bedroom, outside. It doesn't happen every sentence, but it happens often daily.

I also cannot calculate math in my head at all. I can do the very basics, maybe up to a 2nd grade or 3rd grade level. I know what I need to calculate, but the processing center is just shut down right now.

I have spoken to my Infectious Disease doctor and he says that this happens with bacterial meningitis. He said that because I had the headaches associated with it, that was when it was in my brain. And I had that headache, that screaming-through-the-hospital headache, that double-dose-diladed headache for at least 24 hours. Each of those hours, causing damage.

He says it might reverse itself. He says it can take up to a year. So, I keep playing word games and number games on my phone. I keep writing. I keep talking. Hoping that it will get easier with time.

I want to tell you now that as I have grown, my greatest fears have evolved above just me. There is so much hate in the world and suffering. My greatest fears have to do with nothing being done to fix these issues.

Meanwhile, I will keep playing word games and number games on my phone. I will keep writing. I will keep talking. Hoping that it will get easier with time

#crps #rsd #chronicpain #scs #spinalcordstimulation #nevro #HF10 #senza #bacterialmeningitis #braindamage #aftermath #ineffablepain