But Did You Die? Nope.

So, last week I almost died. It doesn't even feel completely real when I put it into words. And the craziest thing is that this all stemmed from helping a colleague restrain a student who was dead set on injuring himself.

I don't often talk about that day anymore. And, usually it is because there wasn't much to tell. It was a traumatizing hour, in which a kid whose brain is wired a bit differently, chose to act out, and I what? Sprained my shoulder? It's the delay in treatment, the lack of urgency in the worker's comp system, that caused my CRPS to get as bad as it did. Had it been diagnosed right away, it could have gone into remission. Yet, here I am over three years later in more pain than I was when this all started, reflecting on life because I almost died last week trying to take the pain away.

When I was discharged from the hospital and came home, it felt different. I had more patience and grace to offer my family. My heart was overflowing with love to the point I would just cry as I kissed my husband.

What I didn't expect was how the same everything and everyone else was. I think part of it is because we didn't learn how bad it was until after I was through the woods with this. I think another part of it was I had to deal with the worst of it all completely isolated and alone. Nobody saw how bad it got in the hospital those days.

The disconnect between others lack of change and my world renewed has been.... awkward. I don't know what I expected or even desired it to be when I got home, but definitely not this.

Of course, we kept the dark parts of all of this from the kids, so they just think I was sick, had another surgery, and came home good as new. Not surprisingly, the dogs seem to know something went down. They clung to me for days and my puppy is still by my side almost 24/7.

I wish that after this death-defying experience, I would be able to be feeling better, but, aside from those horrific days in the hospital, I now feel worse without my spinal cord stimulator helping with my pain. I feel like people go through these things and get a new lease on life, with all this motivation to exercise and crush life goals. I have all those thoughts, but now am unable to do them. My arms, hands, legs, and feet don't really work well. And, pushing my physical limits will knock me down for days.

A good friend was checking in with me the other day and at the end said I was the strongest person she knew. I replied by telling her that I wished my body represented that l, because I am really starting to resemble Jabba the Hutt. Moments later, I purchased a month of Isagenix weight loss products to help me, since my walking days are over for a while.

And since I'm being such a Debbie Downer right now, I may as well point out that this quarantine shit isn't helping me. I could use hugs and baby snuggles. I have three best friends that just had babies in the last three months, and all I want to do is snuggle those babies before they grow up so fast! My sister and my dad are both high risk, so I can't even hang out with them.

Back to the silver lining of life: we received an email today saying that school will be out for the remainder of the school year. We will be continuing to homeschool them. I love having them home! I know a lot of parents stressing out about it, but I am so happy. After these couple weeks of homeschooling, I realized, I would absoutely do this.... if I didn't believe that the socialization skills and lifelong friendships that come out of traditional schooling are priceless.

I am happy to clear our calendar of sports and interact with my family during this unique time. My experience last week only emphasized that life is too short, reminded me to enjoy the little moments, and be present with my family. Call me selfish, but I love not having to share my family with the world. No jobs to go to, no games to go to, no practices to go to, no parties to go to. I know this won't last forever, so I am savoring every moment I get.

I don't have the desire or the energy to dwell on negativity. Drama can just stay outside with the virus. You would think the kids would be at each others necks by now, but they are actually getting along better now, than the first week. I am really loving our home and am starting a lost of projects to get more organized around here.

Life is absolutely precious and last week I almost lost mine. How I choose to come put of this will define me and being here with my family is the most important thing to me in the world.

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