Bye, Hospital.

Have you ever been admitted into a hospital? When you are still really sick for whatever reason led you there, it is so nice having everything right there in one place. All of the doctors in communication with each other and being checked in on. It is a good feeling, a safe feeling.

Then, once you head closer to the recovery stages of your illness, you start to notice the hospital food is bland. You start to notice how annoying everyone is checking in on you while you sleep. And the only thing you can think about it going home.

Going home. It becomes an obsession. You ask your doctors what needs to happen to go home. They give you a plan, like:

1. You have to stop the ketamine.

2. You need a central line placed.

3. The foley catheter needs to come out.

4. You need home health care set up and authorized.

So then you want to know, when do we get to stop the ketamine? Can we take the catheter out now? Who do I need to talk to about authorizing my home health care?

Of course, the doctors will then throw in a new task, like 'we need to observe you gor 6-12 hours after the ketamine is turned off'. Ugh. Fine.

So, piece by piece and step by step, I keep harassing the ones in my way of going home. I push to stop the ketamine. I whisper to myself "so you can go home" the whole time I was getting the central line placed. Each item is getting ticked of the list.

Then, finally, the best news ... that home health will be by between 3pm and 4pm. I ask if I can leave at 4:15pm, assuming they are done? And I am told "yes"!

Now, I can finally text everyone that I am coming home today! Yay!

Then, at about 3:15pm, the doctor comes in, and I am beaming telling him I am all ready to go home. I have done everything everyone has asked of me and home health will be here shortly.

And he says, "bad news". My mind races, the home health can't come here? That's ok, I can have them meet me at home. I need to stay the full 12 hours? That's ok, I can get a ride home at 8pm. It's ok. Whatever it is, we can figure it out, because I get to go home today!

"... we want to observe you over night..."

I literally gasped for air. What?! No, no, no, no, no..... you said..... you said.....

> Enter hysterical sobbing and pleading.

He explains himself in a perfectly fine explanatory way, I'm sure. I don't give an effing F. I just want to go home. I want to see my kids. I want to be with my husband. I want real food. I want my bed. I want to see my dogs. I want to hear laughing and fighting again. I dont want to hear beeping all the time. I don't want to be waken in the middle of the night to trim down and organize my IV wires. (True story).

He sends a message to the supervisor with my pleading and my begging and my tears. Still no luck. Unless I 'go against medical advisement' , then I am staying one more mother loving night.

And now I have a headache. From all the crying, I am sure. But I don't want to ask for something to help it, in case they think its my pain coming back and want to keep me here longer.

I've been here EIGHT days. I am so over this. I am so sad. I am so mad. I am so defeated. CRPS won today and that pisses me off.

#crpswarriors #chronicillness #chronicpain #crpa #rsd #invisiblediseases #ineffablepain #scs #nevro #HF10 #infection #spinalinfection #epiduralabcess #hospitalized #frequentflyer #explantedhardware #onescsremains #journey #lostabattlenotthewar